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Russian Men vs. American Men


In general, I'm always amazed how often bloggers discuss women on LJ! Everything about them - appearance, age, mentality - dissecting every single component of their being. So many amusing comments in this recent post comparing German and Russian women. And where are all the stories analyzing men, their looks and their behaviors? I rarely see them. Today for the English speakers, I'll share an interesting discussion about Russian and American men.

I know a lot of Russian men, but I've never dated one. Could I? I guess it's possible, but he would have to be progressive with modern views about women and their roles in relationships. In general, I don't consider someone's ethnicity in the dating equation. Each person is an individual, with their own unique traits. I've dated Americans, Eastern Europeans (Slovak and Ukrainian) and two Jewish guys. The most important factor is finding someone with a similar mentality who shares my passions and life goals. Maybe he's Russian, maybe he's American, maybe he's African? I don't know because I haven't found any man who keeps me stimulated on the level I wish long-term.

Recently someone sent me a link to an article entitled "I Love (and Hate) Dating Russian Men." You can read the full text here. The author is a young Russian woman who grew up in St. Petersburg, moved to New York and is now back in Russia teaching English. She has dated both American and Russian men, and her observations on the differences are highly amusing. The article is very long, so I'll summarize the main points and offer my input on American men. Female readers, your input about Russian men is very important. :) Reveal the truth, because some of the observations made by this Russian woman are disturbing!

The story begins with a recap of a drunken party in some Russian village. She's hanging out with her Russian boyfriend and some other friends, when all of a sudden another guy puts his arm around her. Her boyfriend gets angry and starts punching him in the face. At first, she views this as a good thing, a man defending her honor. Then the boyfriend shifts the blame on her. "Did I tell you you could talk to him?!" And this leads to her first observation: Russian men are patriarchal alpha males, and feel obligated to look after women at all times. In her mind, this is a huge turn-on. Personally, I hate it. I can't stand overly aggressive men. Men who try to control every movement of my day or life - it will never work.

Here are some other observations:

Russian men are more aggressive, obvious and persistent when it comes to romantic intentions. In her words, "you don't meet a Russian man, you are chosen by one." In contrast, American men tend to stop sexual/romantic pursuits when a woman indicates they're repulsed by his presence.

Russian attitude toward rape is medieval. "It happens...that's life." Wandering penises are common and infidelity is widespread and acceptable from a male point of view.

Then, a very interesting discussion on sexual differences between Russian and American men. The Russian author portrays Western men as being completely passive and over-accommodating in bed, asking if we "need a pillow" or "a glass of water." I don't know who she slept with, but if any man asked me these questions during sex I'd kick him out of bed. It has never happened. But she correctly notes that most women want a man who's "a gentleman at dinner and an animal in bed." Well, I prefer a gentle animal. :))

"During sex, you want to completely transcend the cognitive prison and corporeal self in which we are always encased, becoming nothing but senses. This the Russian man understands. He leaves behind any semblance of propriety, responding only to primal urges, losing himself in you entirely. Of course, the major downside of this caveman treatment is that Russian men still follow the egotistical 'sex is a favor that women do for men' mentality...it's still not customary for Russian men to perform oral sex, although they will expect it."

I agree with the author's general thoughts on sex, but American men gladly perform oral sex. It's an absolute must for me, and I've never had a man hesitate. If a man refused, I couldn't have a sexual relationship with him. One more distinction on the sexual front - almost all American men are circumcised. Over the weekend, a straight Russian man on another blog decided to argue with me on this point. If you need a good laugh, read the comment thread starting here. I think the author exaggerates the sexual distinctions between Russian and American men. For me, it's irrelevant because I'm very vocal in bed. If a man is being too gentle or primal, I'll tell him. Most American men appreciate it, but I'm not sure how a Russian man would react if a woman started giving him directions in bed?

Next the author states that "love in a Russian man is expressed in a type of tender savagery. Russian men crush your body, not because they want to hurt you, but out of an excess of feeling. They squeeze you tightly because they want to possess you fully, and to possess always means, to some extent, to first destroy. They bite your neck and bruise your arms for the same reason that tigers claw on the trees to mark their spot: to show other beasts of the jungle that you are taken, that there is a man to whom you belong."

The word "possess" should not be used in human relationships. No person should be fully controlled. A couple is one unit, but each person should maintain individuality and interests, have outside friends and hobbies. A woman is not a piece of property to be "possessed," "controlled" or "fixed-up." Neither is a man.

Russian men always pay for everything and bring lots of flowers and gifts. They are willing to commit but not necessarily stay faithful. In contrast, American men want more casual relationships with multiple women and generally marry much later.

This is the most accurate statement in the article - American men don't want to commit and casual sex, even among friends, is very common.
People move from one person to the next, screwing everyone in their path. Treating sex like a recreational sport rather than something meaningful. The concept of "friends with benefits" is mainstream. Personally, I don't care if people have casual sex but it's not for me. I can't just hop into bed with strangers and have any sense of fulfillment. It may feel good in the moment, but afterwards there's a complete sense of emptiness. I absolutely must know a man well and trust him before I have sex. It doesn't have to be love, but there must be some type of connection (intellectual, artistic or emotional).

What the author hates most about American men is that they're too passive, not defending her honor when other men look at her, etc. Yet she also complains that Russian men are too controlling and overbearing, checking in on her every move, needing to know every detail of her life. In my mind, the author is a typical 25 year old woman who doesn't know what she wants. She wants men to be aggressive and protective, but only when it benefits her.

In the end, it seems easier to know when a Russian man is romantically interested because they make it obvious. The same is NOT true for American men. Their intentions often are unclear - does he want to be friends or something more? Of course, you can just ask but I'll never do it. I'll never be the initial aggressor in a romantic relationship. A man will always have to make the first move physically to transition the relationship from friendship onto another level.

The fact that American men don't pay for things as often as their Russian counterparts is meaningless to me. In America, it's very common for couples to go "dutch," meaning they split dating and household costs equally. I never expect a man to pay for anything, and I don't understand the concept. I'm a grown woman, have a career and make my own money. I can afford to pay for my own meal and see no reason why a man should pay for it. Why do men want to pay? To convey they are "providers"? And why do women think men should pay for everything? Explain.

Just a reminder that these aren't MY views of Russian men. I'm only summarizing what the author of the article wrote. The Russian men I know don't behave in this manner, but I'm not in a romantic relationship with any of them.

In my life, there has to be a delicate balance where a man doesn't treat me like a kitten in a tree to be rescued, yet still serves as an emotional protector and rock. I don't want a man who simply craves a doll on his arm, with absolutely no intellect or opinion of her own. Mostly, I need a man to challenge me creatively and intellectually, provide emotional support and pleasant companionship through the journey we call life. To teach me things and stir my adventurous spirit. If a Russian man can do this, I'll welcome him with open arms. :)


( 245 comments — Leave a comment )
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Aug. 22nd, 2013 04:06 am (UTC)
As i'am Russian guy, i have a strange feeling inside. Hmmm. I think you forget that all people re different fo example, i do oral with my girlfriend XD that's not a problem. Also i didn't controll her, where she goes. I just only ask, when is she planing to be at home ( for safety reasons, so i knew when i should start worring).
As for the flowers, c'mon, why not? girls love them.
Regarding money for dinner. Hmm i know, that in US it's normal, that everyone pays for himself. But it's not normal for us. To be honest i agree with my national. From old times, men was bringing food to home. So i think, that it's the same.
Aug. 22nd, 2013 04:10 am (UTC)
Yes, flowers and oral are both good. Continue with these traditions. They make most women happy. :)
(no subject) - seaman21 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 04:13 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - pyenot - Aug. 22nd, 2013 11:41 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:06 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - pyenot - Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:14 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - baron2012 - Oct. 16th, 2014 07:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Oct. 17th, 2014 01:38 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - golemming - Oct. 17th, 2014 02:43 am (UTC) - Expand
Russian Men - (Anonymous) - Apr. 18th, 2015 02:58 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Sep. 9th, 2015 02:53 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Sep. 9th, 2015 07:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 22nd, 2013 04:16 am (UTC)
на фото гей
Aug. 22nd, 2013 04:21 am (UTC)
гей, почему?
(no subject) - j1980 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 05:05 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - j1980 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 05:06 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - atlantis555 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 03:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - Alex Winter - Aug. 23rd, 2013 02:42 am (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - atlantis555 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 03:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 22nd, 2013 04:41 am (UTC)
Not all the Russian men are generous and ready to pay for the girl. Most often it is done by wealthy men. Just because they are ashamed of themselves, if the girl will get the purse in their presence. They show so their willingness to take care about the girl. Also there are poor men who believe dime. And there are a miser. They are nasty.

About oral sex: my man likes it very much. My ex-boyfriend did it compulsory )) I really liked this. But also I met men who think it is improper.
Aug. 22nd, 2013 11:10 am (UTC)
When we pay for the girls, it's never because of shame. It's just because that's right thing to do.
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 02:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - nikita_olifer - Aug. 22nd, 2013 04:44 pm (UTC) - Expand
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(no subject) - inamora - Aug. 23rd, 2013 08:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
(Deleted comment)
Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:09 pm (UTC)
Repair cars, grow potatoes, lots of sex! Hooray!! :))
Aug. 22nd, 2013 05:02 am (UTC)
I love this post! Woman, you know how much I LOVE men! I think the point here, like in most things, is that extremes are usually not the best thing. Nobody should want someone to control or regulate them. But a little jealousy, and some sexy control in the bedroom can be a very good thing. As far as oral sex goes, I am all about giving, but I would never want someone to refuse me, if I desired it. I agree with you as far as paying for things. There are things to be said for traditional values, men being a provider, protector, etc..., but in this day and age I would feel awkward having anyone always pay my way. Relationships should always be give and take on all levels. I wouldn't say I believe in one night stands, but I do believe you can have a friendship with someone that you could occasionally sleep with. I have found that American men aren't as "adventurous" in bed. They are happy with so called vanilla sex, where some of the Latin, and European men I have "known" are more, um, passionate. As I mentioned before, a happy medium between jealous selfish control freak and whimpering boring sensitive doormat is where I like my man. Someone to have both sides to his personality. Someone who excites me, my mind, my body and my heart. I like to keep an open mind, but from all these posts, I dont know if a Russian man will be in your romantic future, and definitely not mine. (Haha, which Im sure my husband will appreciate) Loves! Xoxo

Edited at 2013-08-22 07:55 am (UTC)
Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:14 pm (UTC)
Yes, yes, yes! I agree with everything you wrote. Relationships are always about give and take, but you should never sacrifice or give up your passions in life for a partner. It will only lead to misery and bitterness in the end. Sometimes I think readers believe I'm a cold and emotionless woman based on my writings. But you know me well, and I'm really caring, thoughtful and affectionate. :))

I'm always more attracted to European men because they tend to be more open-minded and cultured. They're focused on things other than work, whereas American men are obsessed w/career and prestige. These things don't really matter to me. And they also appreciate a woman's body more, take more time during lovemaking, and are less selfish. There's always exceptions to the rule, but these are my experiences. Latin lover? Well, it sounds spicy but I've never gone there.
Aug. 22nd, 2013 05:23 am (UTC)
Well, most points that she makes are true for a majority of Russian men, but there is a point to make here - when I say majority i mean not educated, angry, hardworking, maybe even with criminal past men. And this is the way they are raised - woman is a sort of a housewife, attending to children, cooking dinner, pleasuring the man, etc.
And if we are to talk about educated Russian men, then the attitude is more European - woman is a reliable partner, that can pursue her career dreams and so on. But we will still pay for your dinner :D There's just something about this, that i, for example, can't throw out of my mind - i am so accustomed to do that.
I think it's a tradition which derives from the times, when men were the only ones making money. It's like a sign, that a man can pay for her, and provide for their future children :D Maybe this sound silly, but that's what it is, imho. If you'd read Russian women forums, such as http://www.woman.ru - most of them will say, that if a man didn't pay for her, she won't even consider him for a long-term relationship; maybe for sex, but that's all. Go figure.

And by the way, the point about rape i consider wrong, as even in Russian prisons, rapists are not at all respected by other criminals, they will surely have a harder time than, say, a murderer. It's like the second worst thing to do after raping a child.

Oral sex is very common, although not all men are willing to admit this, cause the church is not approving it :D Some think it's just embarrasing,
Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:17 pm (UTC)
The author of the article on Russian men is very young (only 25). Maybe she dates men from the older generation, but I'm glad to hear my readers don't view women as some type of property. Paying for dinner, this is just a cultural distinction. If a man insisted on it, I would let him do it but it does make me uncomfortable.
(no subject) - elise_k - Jan. 4th, 2015 06:23 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 22nd, 2013 05:23 am (UTC)
Я хочу - вот главная идея
Your argument does not make me dissent. Except one. You know exactly what you want, but never tried it. Only when you find your man, you will know exactly which male qualities you need. You sure that you want a man who will "..teach me things and stir my adventurous spirit..." But, in real life, you would match the man who will "..LEARN MY things and TOLERATE my adventurous spirit..."
But this is one of the scenarios. It may be, а man of your dreams flog you by whip and you will like it 8) Maybe you flog him... :-0
...One more point. For foreigners, we all are russian, even who looks like a сhinaman. But here, in Russia, there are hundreds of ethnic groups, and the treatment of women varies greatly.
...Оne more comment. I do not understand the obsession with the theme of "Who pays the restaurant." If you love the person you let him pay in a restaurant, buy a cat (squirrel), and other eccentricities. Love is more important than any nonsense.

Edited at 2013-08-22 05:28 am (UTC)
Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:20 pm (UTC)
Re: Я хочу - вот главная идея
Yes, as I wrote above if a man insists on paying I'll let him. But I don't like it. It's obvious that I need an open-minded man, so of course he'll learn things from me as well. Travel is a deal breaker. It's my main passion, and I go away a lot of weekends and for long periods of time. I don't want anyone making me feel guilty for this. If he "tolerates" it as you say, that's fine also. But I'd prefer that he join me on the adventures. :)
Aug. 22nd, 2013 05:50 am (UTC)
Interesting reading... Although it's rather full of stereotypes and personal opinions. Every man and woman sees relationship differently regardless of nationality and ethnicity. I think Gary Chapman made a good work explaining why people often can't get on with each other. Try reading his book 'The 5 love languages'. Its general concept is that when you meet your man/woman you should decipher his/her love language, learn to speak it, explain your love language to him/her and in response you'll get what you want: be it a creative and intellectual challenge, or a tamed animal who gets wild in bed... For me this book was a good help restoring relationship with my wife.
Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:22 pm (UTC)
These aren't my impressions of Russian men in dating relationships. It's the impression of the Russian woman in the article I referenced. On American men, yes it's my personal opinion. This is a personal blog so I write what I think. :) I agree every man and woman sees relationships differently and want different things out of the opposite sex.
(no subject) - spolotko - Aug. 23rd, 2013 05:19 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Aug. 23rd, 2013 02:10 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Jan. 17th, 2014 10:28 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Jan. 17th, 2014 02:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 22nd, 2013 06:13 am (UTC)
Most of the men I met (all of them were Russians) wanted to control me and I felt uneasy and couldn't relax when we spend our time together. They were too agressive and sexually obsessed - so I just couldn't have sex with them. Even kisses were more like raping than something else.

There is one more thing: most of the Russian men consider household duties (washing the dishes and clothes, tidying up the flat, cooking, etc.) "a female job". According to them, you must do everything - and they never help you. You're a woman - so you have to cope with it yourself. I know bisexual girls who preferred to choose other girls as sexual partners just because of this attitude! :)

My husband spent years in Europe and visited many other countries (including the USA!), so he is not a typical Russian. He can help me, and there is no this awful sexual pressure. But partner relationships are not common practice yet unfortunately.

I suppose, a man who pays for everything while dating very often just checks whether the girl is ready to have sex with him. If she agrees, it's her "yes". When this man is your friend you can pay separately. But many people like to pay for the friends too. It's their way to demonstrate friendly feelings and good income :) Sometimes even girls do that in Russia.

Edited at 2013-08-22 06:16 am (UTC)
Aug. 22nd, 2013 06:29 am (UTC)
Немного удивлён.
"They were too agressive and sexually obsessed" Извини за некоторую бестактность, но имею вопрос: Где ты жила, что вокруг тебя было столько агрессивных скотов? Слишком мрачная картина - торжество тестостерона и смерть разума.
Re: Немного удивлён. - efeiya_grassie - Aug. 22nd, 2013 07:33 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Немного удивлён. - golemming - Aug. 22nd, 2013 07:37 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Немного удивлён. - andrey_kaminsky - Aug. 22nd, 2013 07:54 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Немного удивлён. - efeiya_grassie - Aug. 22nd, 2013 08:50 am (UTC) - Expand
Re: Немного удивлён. - qi_tronic - Aug. 22nd, 2013 03:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Немного удивлён. - efeiya_grassie - Aug. 22nd, 2013 07:41 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Немного удивлён. - qi_tronic - Aug. 22nd, 2013 08:48 pm (UTC) - Expand
Re: Немного удивлён. - efeiya_grassie - Aug. 22nd, 2013 09:18 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:26 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - efeiya_grassie - Aug. 22nd, 2013 08:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 08:37 pm (UTC) - Expand
Italian girl with Ukrainian boyfriend - (Anonymous) - Sep. 21st, 2013 12:52 pm (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 22nd, 2013 06:28 am (UTC)
You have dated an ukrainian guy? Who was it? I didn't know about it :)
Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:28 pm (UTC)
Yes, during university before you knew me. He was hot, romantic and wonderful but moved back to Ukraine. You know a lot about me, but not everything. ;) I typically like Eastern Euro men, this you know!
Aug. 22nd, 2013 07:08 am (UTC)

I personally think the girl has read too much of "50 Shades of Grey" and romanticizes the whole idea of being with a dominant guy.

Unfortunately,  I do not have enough experience to contribute to the discussion as I have only dated one Russian guy. All my boyfriends after him were German, and frankly speaking, I'm always lost when people ask me about the differences between the German and Russian guys: its too complicated to generalize and, from my opinion, depends mere on the social class than on the nationality.

Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:30 pm (UTC)
I think the article is written like some type of soap opera for entertainment value! :)
Aug. 22nd, 2013 07:16 am (UTC)
"Maybe he's Russian, maybe he's American, maybe he's African? I don't know because I haven't found him."
-The problem is that you could never find him.
A cool guy on pic)

Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:32 pm (UTC)
No, I will find him! Honestly I don't look very hard. I never go out so have few opportunities to meet men. This is a big reason why I'm single. I usually come home right after work, put on my pajamas and read books or write posts. My friends are always trying to drag me out to dinner, etc. but I like quiet time.
Aug. 22nd, 2013 07:35 am (UTC)
well that is a definitely an interesting theme.

First and foremost - we (USA and Russia) have a very different history. Just 30 years ago sex was considered something shameful to talk on public or even in circle of close friends. You, an another hand, had another 20-30 years, hippie "culture" and rock'n'roll ^_^ Go figure...

Russian men are patriarchal alpha males, and feel obligated to look after women at all times.
Simply - no. Again, it's mostly applies to men about 30-50 years old. New generation has grown in different time, BUT even among us exist like 40% of assholes, like one in thread about circumcised men. Even worse - they are often cruel to women on inhuman scale. Seen this enough...

egotistical 'sex is a favor that women do for men' mentality
That is somewhat true :) I know enough men that venomously refused to do that. Me personally - well, "Do unto others as you want to do to you" (google translate, hope accurate). And to hold center of a screaming woman is a it's own kind of pleasure :)

love in a Russian man is expressed in a type of tender savagery.
That i can't argue. Mostly because i never seen that.

Is it true that casual sex isn't common in Russia? I find this very hard to believe.
Depends how old is a person who you ask. It more common among young. But considering how bad they use contraception, and how many abortions we have (firs place in the whole big world. Awful kind or record) i consider casual sex a bad thing. Growing without father... is hard.

In the end, it seems Russian men are more chivalrous than American men.
I'm sorry but it's a bullshit! It's not chivalry, it's golden dust in your eyes.

I can afford to pay for my own meal and see no reason why a man should pay for it.
And that where many russian women will disagree with you :) It's like a program in their DNA (or more likely result of their mothers words in childhood) - money almost a most important thing in their relationships. I kind of can understand that - life in Russia is hard, especially outside Moscow and Central Russia - but it's kinda killing all romance :(
Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:35 pm (UTC)
"Do unto others as you want to do to you." The translation is pretty good, but the proper English phrase is "do unto others as you would have done to you." :)) I can't tell by your comment. Do you think Russian men are chivalrous or no? Re the guy in the circumcision post, he's a complete idiot!! Thanks for your thoughts.
(no subject) - golemming - Aug. 22nd, 2013 01:17 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 02:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - baron2012 - Oct. 16th, 2014 08:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Oct. 17th, 2014 01:39 am (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 22nd, 2013 08:10 am (UTC)
>>>I'm too independent and self-sufficient

This is a really big problem in relationship between Russian and foreigner. Russians are more affectionate and emotional, and foreigners, at least, in my experience, are more "things in themselves". We share muuch more warmth in relationship, even if it is just dating.
Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:37 pm (UTC)
Being independent doesn't mean that you aren't affectionate and emotional. I'm still a woman. I like to crawl into my man's arms at all times, and I'm a very giving/caring person. In daily life and in relationships. Anyone who knows me in real life will tell you that.
(no subject) - my_coast - Aug. 22nd, 2013 01:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - peacetraveler22 - Aug. 22nd, 2013 02:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
Just so you know - (Anonymous) - Nov. 17th, 2013 12:51 am (UTC) - Expand
Aug. 22nd, 2013 08:31 am (UTC)
I don't envy you, women, you have to think of your partner's traits so much. He must be tall and clever, tender and manly, serious and humorous, sober-minded and open-minded and so on, the list might be endless. God bless a man who are rid of that shit, his happiness is just "I want", that's the only point:)
Aug. 22nd, 2013 12:42 pm (UTC)
I'm only sharing with readers what this Russian woman wrote. She thinks about men way more than I do. I don't have some type of list where I check off qualities in a man. It's complete nonsense. However, this doesn't mean that I don't have preferences. I'm sure it's the same for you. You either like tits or ass more, brown or black hair, thin or curvy, etc. I like artistic, free spirited men w/black hair, but this doesn't mean I immediately reject guys who don't have these characteristics. In the end, it's about chemistry and attraction. If it's there, it's hard to fight it regardless of the package in which it comes.
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