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Women, Men and the Dating World

couple

Last week many Americans were in an uproar when a religious speaker offered dating advice to students in a Texas high school. The speaker, known for his conservative Christian views, made the statement that dateable women "know how to shut up." You can read about his speech in this article, but here are some highlights on what makes men and women "dateable" in the speaker's view:

(1) Dateable girls don't monopolize the conversation. They don't tell everything about themselves....she doesn't imagine things to be more than they are.
(2) Dateable girls don't tease. They don't show men hot little bodies and then tell them they can't touch.
(3) Dateable girls let guys be leaders and do guy things like getting a door or opening a ketchup bottle.
(4) "Men of God are wild, not domesticated. They don't live by the rules of the opposite sex. They fight battles, conquer lands, and stand up for the oppressed." [My note: HOORAY! Wild, man beasts saving the oppressed! This is the most absurd statement he makes.]
(5) Dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and the mind. They keep women covered up.

His main advice to women - "first thing you need to understand is that guys are going to lie to you to get what they want and what they want is sex. The end."

What do I think about this?


First, all of these seminars, books and Cosmo articles about finding true love, attracting a mate, etc. are forms of love propaganda. Feeding people's brains with nonsense about what women want, what men want, rules of attraction and other things which are highly subjective. What do people want? All want to be loved and accepted, but the manner in which this is felt and expressed will vary for each person.

This particular speech was given in a religious, conservative Texas town yet many students became enraged and walked out of the assembly. Personally, I don't understand all the controversy. If you take out the religious overtones, most of what he says makes sense to me. Almost all of my friends are men, and I'm frequently surrounded by their girlfriends. I already explained in this post that most of these women make me insane with nonstop chatter. So, I agree women sometimes need to shut up. In the beginning, I appreciate some mystery in a relationship. I try not to tell my whole life story in the first hour of meeting a man. Better to get to know someone gradually, learn their quirks, annoyances and inner charm over time. I think this was the speaker's main point. He didn't say women should have no view point or never speak. If you read me regularly, you know I highly value strong women. Women who speak their mind and make their place in the world, thus I would never advocate for a woman to suppress her individuality or personality to the point of non-existence. To the point she merely becomes a decoration, trophy or play toy for a man. However, there is some value in my favorite saying - "be silent or speak something worth hearing."

Most women, including me, occasionally imagine things to be more than they are. We obsess over actions and words much more than the average man, creating fairy tales in our head when, in reality, the foundation for the castle hasn't even been poured. Why? I don't know the answer, probably just inherent psychological and biological gender differences. However, I don't envision any man as a prince nor myself as a princess. Something strange with the mentality of those who believe they will find the "perfect" someone, or have the ability to mold a man or woman into the soul mate they've imagined all their life. All human beings are flawed. My personal flaws? There are many, but when it comes to the initial stages of dating I'm sometimes emotionally shut down, silent and reserved. Friendly to all, but few people really know or understand me well because I let so few in. Who will date me? A very patient man who is interested in discovering me as a person, not an object.

I don't agree with speaker's assertion that sex is the only thing men want from women. I refuse to believe it. In the speaker's view, men and women can't be merely friends because a single man will always crave sex from a woman in his constant company. I'm not a man, so I can't speak to this fact but I have platonic friendships with single male friends. Are they all dying to get me in bed? Highly doubtful.

Is porn bad for the spirit and the mind? NO, not in moderation but yes if it becomes an addiction like anything else. The rest of his statements are true - men don't want to be emasculated. We know this, no new discovery by this proclamation. Yes, some women are teases, dress provocatively and then get offended when men stare at them or make sexual advances.

In the end, what makes someone dateable? There's no magic formula to the equation. For me, there are certain qualities that are very important but I don't operate off some check-list when I consider a man. If I could create the perfect man he would be intelligent, open minded, creative, humorous, kind, adventurous, and most importantly, flexible. The ability to compromise is essential in relationship sustainability. Physically, I always notice a man's mouth and hair first. I like full lips and wild, wavy, black hair like this guy.

hair

When I was younger, I always dated skinny men but now I prefer more meat on the bone.  In America, there's a sexual saying - "more cushion for the pushin..." I hope you understand. :) I don't want to hug a rock or bag of bones. Necessary to have something to hold onto, to keep me warm and cozy!!  Always, the most attractive feature on any man is an active and evolving mind. A constant quest for knowledge and discovery. This trumps almost everything in my view.

How about you? What qualities do you look for in the opposite sex, personality and looks wise? And for those who are married, what was so special about the person that you decided to spend the rest of your life with him or her?

Related topics: Russian Men vs. American Men , Relationships, Sex and Power , Bridge of Kisses, Moscow

Comments

( 96 comments — Leave a comment )
onkel_hans
Nov. 18th, 2013 03:27 pm (UTC)
I am afraid it is trivial but for me, of the paramount importance are the eyes.

A have a friend who is a cross-breed of a Mongol and a Swede. She is cross-eyed and her face is round and flat like a frying pan. Her hair is curly and grey. The first week I could not look into her eyes. But later got used to the appearance. She is a brilliant mind. Highly educated and cultured. She is a pleasure to socialize with. And now her eyes look bright and beautiful for me.
peacetraveler22
Nov. 18th, 2013 04:22 pm (UTC)
Of course people grow on you after time such that you find beauty where it did not initially exist. Normal reaction. I once dated a guy who could be a model, but this is the person to which I was least attracted of all my boyfriends. He wasn't curious about things, a sort of beautiful vegetable existing in life. Of course, looks are often the initial attracting factor but for me the endurance of relations based only on this quality is very, very short. Men are more adept at tolerating bad traits to have a beautiful woman by their side and in bed.
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asharky
Nov. 18th, 2013 03:39 pm (UTC)
))
qi_tronic
Nov. 18th, 2013 03:56 pm (UTC)
Real_marsel will like you :))
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k_netalie
Nov. 18th, 2013 03:46 pm (UTC)
i absolutely agree with you about all types of love advises. everything should go its natural way, i believe. and about all the other points too.
as for my perfect man - i used to have some pictures in my head, but now i really don't know. i believe i'll feel it when i meet him. but frankly speaking, after my unhappy marriage i can hardly imagine someone next to me.
peacetraveler22
Nov. 18th, 2013 04:26 pm (UTC)
"Pictures in my head" - me too when I was younger but not now. Sometimes it's good to be alone!
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qi_tronic
Nov. 18th, 2013 03:55 pm (UTC)
There is still difference between men and women... even when reading you.
You are on a more rational side, not dreaming about princes, but still you are thinkng first about being in relations, but men, as I believe, are thinking first about achievements.

Like here. Taming of fire:
www. youtube. com/watch?v=9V0WBAb0BRg

What men need from women, besides sex and cooking :), is emotional support and balance.
I a woman is an intelligent person and as such can listen to my bright ideas with her mouth open, it's a bonus :)))

If we are talking about physical appearance and marriage then I can say I developed a "male offspring test" a while ago:
For example you like like a woman looks.
Then imagine that you have a son with almost the same face (sons often inherit their looks from mothers).
If you like what you see then it is OK :)
peacetraveler22
Nov. 18th, 2013 04:34 pm (UTC)
Emotional support and balance, women need this from men also. It's the same for both genders. A woman is an "achievement", I don't understand this concept? I like this article from today. Normally this forum is way too radical for my liking but this post is good. http://feministki.livejournal.com/3116028.html. In some ways, I'm like the woman described here. Exception: I'm not calm from relatively long periods w/out sex. This the worst torture for me, creating some type of hysteria both mentally and physically.
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andrey_kaminsky
Nov. 18th, 2013 05:22 pm (UTC)
Бог услышал твои молитвы
If I could create the perfect man he would be intelligent, open minded, creative, humorous, kind, adventurous, and most importantly, flexible(с)
I possess all these qualities, except that I'm not flexible enough, yoga is not one of my hobbies and I can't put legs behind my head as you perhaps like:(
And by the way, this flexibility is necessary for the exercise of sexual fantasies, or to save on tickets while traveling by tucking the frend in the luggage:)
peacetraveler22
Nov. 18th, 2013 05:25 pm (UTC)
Re: Бог услышал твои молитвы
I'm speaking about a different kind of flexibility, and you know it! :) This is all you have to say? You don't want to give me your thesis on relationships, or tell me once again men and women can't be friends?
yarowind
Nov. 18th, 2013 05:41 pm (UTC)
>> And for those who are married, what was so special about the person that you decided to spend the rest of your life with him or her?

I do not know. For the same outlook on life, maybe.
peacetraveler22
Nov. 18th, 2013 06:20 pm (UTC)
Same outlook is very important! Sometimes we can't explain our attractions to or emotions for others, they simply exist.
nar_row
Nov. 18th, 2013 06:17 pm (UTC)
I didn't have any long relationship at all, not to mention serious.
I don't know what I'm looking for. :)
peacetraveler22
Nov. 18th, 2013 06:18 pm (UTC)
How old are you?
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mujlan01
Nov. 18th, 2013 06:42 pm (UTC)
Дамы и Господа, а пож. переведите на удобоваримый русский слово "Dateable"?
Я понимаю дословно дефиницию...
Someone who you actually like, as opposed to fuckable, which is purely sexual. A datable guy or girl is someone you enjoy talking to and would ALSO like to fuck....
Но вот русское слово найти не могу.... Встречабельный?
peacetraveler22
Nov. 18th, 2013 06:51 pm (UTC)
I don't know a Russian word for "dateable." Maybe another reader will come up with one. I would never fuck someone I don't enjoying talking to, or a personality I don't like. This, a big difference between men and women. :) However, I've had a "fuck buddy" in the past, a male friend I wasn't in a relationship with but felt some type of connection to. This sex was good!
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olgor
Nov. 18th, 2013 09:25 pm (UTC)
"Dateable guys know that porn is bad for the spirit and the mind."
Who? What? Hold on a sec!
Who really cares what priest says? :)

Edited at 2013-11-18 09:33 pm (UTC)
peacetraveler22
Nov. 18th, 2013 09:49 pm (UTC)
Recently one of my guy friends told me he has NEVER watched porn. I couldn't believe it, I've never met such a man!! Btw, over the weekend someone posted an anonymous comment on my old post about Russian Men vs. American Men where she said "American men are better in sex. They actually know what to do. Russian men just huff and puff, and they do not know what it takes to satisfy a woman." Horror!! :))

She really describes Russian men as wild beasts!! :)) Maybe you will find it interesting. Here's what she wrote:

I know both American and Russian men very very well. Here are the differences:

1. Russian men think that the world revolves around them. Especially women. They are there for one purpose and one purpose only - to serve the man. To make him dinner, tell him sweet nothings, pay attention to him and do his laundry.

2. Russian men cheat on their women. And they don't even feel guilty about it. It is a part of culture. If you are guy, you cheat, whether you are married or not.

3. Russian men think that Russian men are the best. They have an over-inflated ego that everybody else have to adhere to. American men just don't care. They can joke about it, but they really don't care.

4. Russian men are smelly. Not sure why. They don't wash their clothes often enough, don't shower often enough and don't use a deodorant. At least that's what they smell like.

5. American men (for the most part) treat women as equals. Russian men treat women as their possessions, like she is a weakling or a handicapped during courtship and then they treat you as a domestic slave.

6. When American men give you flowers, they don't act like they deserve a purple heart for doing it.

7. Domestic violence in Russia is expected. Domestic violence in America is something that the government is actually trying to prevent.

8. Russian men expect women to do all the housework. Some of them help out (very rarely) but the expectation is that a woman has to cook, clean and take care of the children.

9. American men are circumcised (at least 99% of them).

10. American men are better in sex. They actually know what to do. Russian men just huff and puff, and they do not know what it takes to satisfy a woman.
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amandakysses
Nov. 19th, 2013 04:13 am (UTC)
I love a man with a sexy mouth, and kind eyes and a body isnt everything, but there is something very sexy about a guy in good shape with a lickable body. I think humor, intelligence, and warmth are the yummiest qualities in someone. But you know me and men. I love them. I think most of them are SO wonderful.
His main advice to women - "first thing you need to understand is that guys are going to lie to you to get what they want and what they want is sex. The end." - what a terrible message. what a negative way to look at people. I dont believe this to be true.
I think the person you marry should be an equal partner. There should be openness, adventure and lots of laughter.
peacetraveler22
Nov. 19th, 2013 03:09 pm (UTC)
Why do you think men are SO wonderful? Just curious.
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rider3099
Nov. 19th, 2013 06:34 pm (UTC)
I always appreciate when man can make me laugh :) Sergey did from the very beginning of our conversations. But his humor not the only thing I like. He is smart and kind and wise. He likes to discover the new places as I do. And the most important: we like to talk but sometimes we like to be silent. Sometimes we don't need to speak because understand each other with no words.
peacetraveler22
Nov. 19th, 2013 06:35 pm (UTC)
"Sometimes we don't need to speak because understand each other with no words." This is the sign of a good relationship and deep connection. :))
nagolny
Nov. 21st, 2013 07:59 am (UTC)
the statement that dateable women "know how to shut up."

Haha, I agree with this!
peacetraveler22
Nov. 21st, 2013 02:09 pm (UTC)
Me too! :))
anna_sollanna
Nov. 26th, 2013 02:06 pm (UTC)
I also prefer imposing men, but I am very critical about their hair. The hair should always be in order! And if a man has a long hair it is more difficult for him to keep them in order than for a short-haired man. That is why I prefer the short-haired ones. :)))
As for a recipe for women who want to be dateable I have the only one - be self-sufficient! Other people need us as a strong people, the people who can support them, interesting people, not whining persons who ask everybody to help them, who complain to everyone that they are lonely and everything is boring and so on... So if you want a strong and interesting man to notice you - you should be self-sufficient, strong and interesting by yourself, this is my recipe :)))
peacetraveler22
Nov. 26th, 2013 02:54 pm (UTC)
"If you want a strong and interesting man to notice you - you should be self-sufficient, strong and interesting by yourself..." YES! We totally agree. I never understand women who want a man to do everything for them. I would feel like such a helpless human being if I behaved in this manner. And what do they do when the man leaves? It forces them to pick unsuitable partners as replacements because they can't function on their own. A very sad existence to me.
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